Seeking Myself

Once upon a time, this was me.

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Ola..

I'm taking a holiday! Yeay!!

I guess this holiday comes at the right time.

I'm not going anywhere out of the continent though..

just somewhere close by to take on the new scene.

Life has been really hard since November till this year.

It took a lot for me just to stand up to walk and smile.

I'm always grateful that Allah SWT has always ease my ways.

But honestly I miss myself. A LOT.

I haven't been myself in awhile. Particularly since November last year.

Life was so different this time last year.

Back then, I was just being the silly me with a little drama here and there. 

But now I'm miserable, more like unstable.

I can shed tears at any given time over petty reasons. 

I keep on reminiscing the past and the future unconsciously. 

I become constantly aware of myself when walking around in a crowd and 

driving in a certain area would get me so anxious.

I can get easily confuse over small amount of information and my focus...urghh..

I think my focus span could only last for like 8 seconds top.

Its been months, and I'm still longing for the loss.

And the hurt of losing, it never goes away. 

How can a year changes everything? Changes the very existence of being me?

I want to feel alive again. 

I want to wake up in the morning without feeling sad or afraid.

I want to be able to feel at ease when I'm seeing my friends or being in a crowd.

I want my confident-and-silly-me. 

Through out the years I've never thought I loose that. Loosing my me-ness.

But I did.

And I want it back.

Which get back to why I needed this holiday.

To reflect and find myself back.

I don't know how I'm going to do this but I'll try.

God works in mysterious ways. I hope He gets His miracles to work on my end.

I knew Allah SWT would never put on my plate more than I can bear.

Everything Allah SWT planned happens only for the best of us.

But at some point, I wish I could say,

I'm tired. So tired of facing this hurt and terror everyday for the past months.

I tried to make it all come to an end. 

I've made myself busy, constantly praying for Your help and guidance. 

And due to Your love Allah SWT, I have survived today and yesterday.

But if there's anyway I could've stop this pain in me, please show me the way.

Till then, I'll update soon.

Thank you munchkin for reading this,

Love you. xoxo